If you still wonder from time to time what goes on in my life, or still open up this page to see how I am coming along, I’m only thankful you still remain curious.
When my mom told me how you had broken down so badly, my heart broke as I felt I had destroyed someone’s life from another part of the world. The worst part for you is having to battle through the recovery; if you ever do. The worst part for me is knowing that no amount of saying sorry will help me nor allow me to establish contact with you again.
You made the decision. Just like I. But you chose break all links and understood it to be me writing you out from the pages from my life. There is a difference between being heartless and having to deal with too much. And I can honestly say, it was I who cracked first. Not you.
Again, no amount of apology could help you stand up again. But I know ultimately, you will. Because that’s just you. 5 years does that. It makes you stronger. Just like it taught me never to fear difficult moments.
When I say I had my difficulties, I really had my difficulties. Fighting for grades, finding employment to survive and make the rent meet, putting your parents at ease by giving them what they want- a return on their money invested and safeguarding their future interests to retire. Then there was sourcing for ways to remain legally within the country without becoming an alien. Staying up late and waking up early each and every day to meet conflicting agendas between people and events ended up in me saying, “I can’t take it anymore without losing out on what I had to achieve”
I don’t know what goes through your thoughts each morning that you wake up. But I know each morning that I wake up, I do so with the uncertainty of whether or not that person will find their feet again.
Each day, I see songs that illustrate isolation and loss, and curt sentences of sadness on your blog. And I know I’m responsible for it all. I really am sorry. As a friend, I really do care. But perhaps I care in a different way. And I have changed who I essentially was. And that is why I cannot see me reconciling. I have come to the first and final phase of its type in my life that I just can’t see meshing as I (or we) thought it would be.
I thank you for the wonderful life we spent. I just wanted to let you know I have lost favour with my family, although not entirely, and it is because of this that now I face a struggle to fulfill my dreams. But if you still would like to know what I am up to, this is it- rebuilding my name, and constructing my future in order to survive.
I am starting from scratch and making sure that no one gets in the way..But words are words. I would still like to keep in contact. I have not chosen to erase you from my life and I hope you can come to that conclusion as well.
